So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
