but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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