I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
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He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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