New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
