does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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