What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
