Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
