I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
