Need sex. Gaining weight.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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