Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't