last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...