Will you blow on my dice?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
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The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize