You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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