Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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