Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
