your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
