I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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