The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
