I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
