Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize