i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
