I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
