nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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