I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
