she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
