In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
