The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
