Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
