I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
