What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cannot find my penis.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
