Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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