I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
