And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
is that a dick in a sweater?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
