After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
