Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
