I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Don't make out with my wife yet
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
