Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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