hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
