508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
