A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
