why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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