dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
