I met the friendliest cop last night
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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