A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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