I wish I only lived at night.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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