Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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