I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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