mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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