its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
