can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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