8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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