how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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