You're my little dorito
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
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I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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