I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
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theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
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The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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