Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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