Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
