genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i think i just lost a toe
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